Comments on: Kerry Payne Stailey – The Children (I Never Had) https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/ burn is an online feature for emerging photographers worldwide. burn is curated by magnum photographer david alan harvey. Sat, 18 Jun 2016 11:53:40 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.2.4 By: Akaky https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-426341 Mon, 07 Jul 2014 21:15:11 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-426341 I don’t know about that whole body winning thing, Kerry. It seems to me that so long as you’re seeing the pictures on the left then the pictures on the right remain within the realm of possibility. It ain’t over till it’s over, kiddo, and I’m pretty sure the mister won’t mind continuing to try.

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By: jcargill https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-423159 Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:53:46 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-423159 1 in 7 couples will have difficulty conceiving. In Health Class, they never tell you that. They just tell you that if you have sex, you’ll get pregnant/get a girl pregnant.

I’m glad she made this essay. I don’t think it’s uncommon for infertile men and women to fantasize about their potential children. But who knows? So few people talk about it. There’s some shame involved most likely. So there are no writsbands, bumperstickers, 5Ks, etc.

It is often the job of the photographer to introduce us to people, concepts and feelings that we’d rather avoid.

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By: Richard Beaven https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-422179 Wed, 02 Jul 2014 03:03:17 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-422179 Dear Kerry, with brutal simplicity and courage you have created and shared this. I believe in doing so you will give others the courage to face this reality as well as other deeply personal challenges. I am sorry with you for the content’s reason, of course, but I salute you for, once again, demonstrating the power of photography to share stories and emotions in this way. Thank You. Richard x

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By: panos skoulidas https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-417062 Thu, 26 Jun 2014 14:54:23 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-417062 Two thumbs up! Bravo Kerry !!!

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By: Cesar https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-416282 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 21:56:45 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-416282 Wow, I am not sure if I am going to be able to express what I feel watching your work. Paying attention only to the pictures, I see something unique, different, the blood on the left, children on the right, “weird mix”… I like them and the aesthetic you use. And then, later, I read the story behind those pictures, the poem,… I have no words… The way you show your privacy, your inner, your pain,… and you transmit it through this pictures… Awesome!

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By: a civilian-mass audience https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-416227 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 20:43:10 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-416227 I rarely post a comment in the “essay” aisles but KERRY…remember this:
“My chickens are your chickens”…

THANK YOU for “telling” it as it is…and yes, LOVE,LOVE,LOVE my brave redhead …!!!
your civi

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By: Kerry Payne Stailey – The Children (I Never Had) | burn | visjourn https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-415913 Wed, 25 Jun 2014 08:55:12 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-415913 […] kerry payne stailey – the children (i never had) | burn magazinehttp://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/The Children (I Never Had)’ explores the bloody battle of infertility, of hope and loss, played out monthly by women everywhere in their fruitless quest to become mothers. Our year of reproductive discontent was poetic and confronting and bittersweet, so like the melancholy I carry for the babies I did not. This entry was tagged burn, Kerry Payne Stailey. Bookmark the permalink. […]

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By: Kerry Payne https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-414235 Mon, 23 Jun 2014 14:19:40 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-414235 Wow David, way to make a girl start the day with tears in her eyes.

Thank you. For the example you set every day, for mentoring me these past five years, for your friendship, for welcoming me into your beautiful family, both blood and chosen.

To say taking your workshop back in 2008 ‘changed my life’, would be the understatement of the century.

Love and gratitude.

Kerry xo

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By: david alan harvey https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-414110 Mon, 23 Jun 2014 10:34:26 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-414110 KERRY

i cannot think of anyone with as cheerful and smiling a personality as you….you are always a positive thinker in everyday life….you are literally the “life of the party” in any social circumstance…

yet your work digs….revealing a deep personal sadness with both suicide and infertility…i have mentored quite a few over the years, but none took my “go deep” quite as far as have you…your ebullient personality is for real and so is the pain…your photographs always show the mix, the confluence between suffering and joy…this is the “real Kerry”….you do not separate your life and your work….

you are fearless..brave…sensitive…forgiving…embracing…and with the resolve to put brush to canvas…..you finish…..

we have chosen to leave your essay up just a bit longer than most…if one more person sees it to positive effect, then that is enough….

you are an inspiring person Kerry….thank you for your courage to reveal…

big hugs, big love, david

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By: Paul https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413489 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 17:53:30 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413489 Mark it’s OK I’m grateful you took the time to point out how adoptions don’t always work out. Three families in our street with adopted kids and two of my wife’s cousin each with two adopted girls all OK and happy families. So I’m surprised and very curious too hear the negative side to all this. I’m going keep this in mind research on it sometime.

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By: Mark https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413364 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 13:08:50 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413364 Kerry,
thank you so much for all you wrote to me.
It means a lot to me.
I send you a hug, too.
Mark

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By: Kerry Payne https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413348 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 11:57:58 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413348 PAUL, SAM, TRACY LEIGH, DAVID, THOMAS, EDITE, PAIGE,

Thank you for your thoughtful words and for taking the time to write here. Some of my writing in my comments above is also in response to you.

This conversation has meandered down sweet and sad and gut wrenchingly truthful paths and and that is what inspires me most. When songs or art or photographs can generate discussion, elevate thinking, make people feel something they may not have previously considered, it reminds me why we must continue to shoot, paint, write, create.

Heartfelt thanks to DAH and the Burn crew for consistently being at the forefront and publishing work that fosters discussions such as these, and to you all for your wonderful contribution.

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By: Kerry Payne https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413342 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 11:46:58 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413342 MARK,

Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me sad that this work has caused your pain to return to you in waves. I’m so very sorry that you and your wife lost the baby you worked so hard to bring into this life.

For us it was a little different. Neither of us were particularly called to be parents before we met one another. In my late thirties I began to contemplate ‘what if I do I, what if I don’t?’, but at the time I was married to another man who was not interested in adding to his flock of three grown children, and I was not interested in bringing a child int the world with somebody who did not want it with all of his heart. Not surprisingly, that marriage failed and it was only when I met my now husband, that we understood, at a cellular level, this human desire, drive, to create a human life together.

We didn’t want ‘babies’, we wanted OUR baby. I too, know people who have built beautiful families through adoption, and others who had their family torn apart because of it. It’s not for us, at least not at this time. But who knows what the future holds.

I am no stranger to loss. The suicide of my father 13 years ago, and the subsequent work I have done with others who have lost those they loved to suicide has taught me a great deal about the importance of mastering my thinking. I’ve seen people able to move beyond their grief and become more because of it, and others who get stuck. My mind, I’ve come to learn, is a ‘two bit whore’. It will happily sell itself to the highest bidder and absorb beliefs, self justify, feed my ego, destroy me or make me. It all comes down to my thoughts and the stories I tell myself.

I read this quote once, somewhere on the Internet, and it resonated…

“Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart.”

This is the path I took when processing my fathers death, and it is the path we have chosen this time. We felt the sadness, we let it in, we sobbed together, we raged a little, we let it wash us clean, and then we chose to focus on all that we have, and there is much to be grateful for.

I hope you too will reach a place of peace. For me, turning my camera on my pain diffused it. Perhaps your letters to your unborn baby can do the same for you.

Sending you a hug Mark.

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By: Mark https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413252 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 04:43:35 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413252 Paul,
a lot of people say “why don’t you adopt…” when they are confronted with this topic. But adoption is very different from being pregnant and giving birth to your own child. Adoption is a great thing for a lot of people, but it also brings problems… it’s a complete different story. I know a guy who says about the adoption of his son “best thing I did in my life” and I know another guy who says “worst mistake I ever made”. That’s a huge topic and I hope someone will do a good photo essay about it someday. In my country it’s even a long and hard process to officially qualify for adopting a baby… and going to another country, especially to a poorer part of the world, brings up even more problems. Think and read about it.
It’s just too easy to say “what about adoption” when you see somebody suffering from not being able to have a baby. Instead of offering this kind of “solution” I wish people would try to let it be like it is and acknowledge that it is a tragedy and that it will deeply affect the rest of our lives and that there is no solution.
It’s late now, I’ll try to get some sleep. Sorry if I bashed you too hard.

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By: Paul https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413206 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:44:02 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413206 Hi there Kerry…

I’ve been quietly going over and over again this essay and I’ve been meaning to post a comment here for a couple days but I’ve been lost for words. I follow intently your Instagram feed I’m that guy “adesirecalledcamera”and I had noticed a couple of hints of what was going on, so frankly I wasn’t surprised the other day. Oh, I really wish for once my uncanny intuition was screwed up and utterly wrong. I’m sorry, because I get the impression you love children. You possess what the Spanish sometimes call “Duende”, that something else great artists are born with. The capability of fully expressing your feelings through your photography and really shacking us. You see I’ve always been extremely aware how lucky I am in having two great young kids, however this week your beautiful essay has managed to intensify this feeling.
Kerry, what about adoption? My next door neighbors have two young kids from India, essentially after a couple of weeks of just adjusting to each other the love seems to be just as strong…

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By: edite https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413184 Sun, 22 Jun 2014 00:58:37 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413184 Bob Black – beautiful and deep words. And those lines! “…The effluvium of our lives spit forth like ink upon rice paper and the children who will not make it yet to this life haunt us…” Will love to read that whole thing when published.

Thank you Frosfrog – dear Bill.

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By: Imants https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413142 Sat, 21 Jun 2014 22:51:55 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413142 …….strengthen our bond and bring us closer to our wonderful circle of friends, many of whom are having babies right now……………..that time passes and the journey takes a different path.

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By: david bowen https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-413038 Sat, 21 Jun 2014 16:47:25 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-413038 lots of love Kerry.

very effective.. strong.. love your blunt honesty and graphic approach.
the series produces conflicting feelings which are difficult to consolidate, which must relate in a small way to the experience of wanting children and being unable to.

carries the month-to-month trauma in the most human way and without a flinch.

x

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By: Mark https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-412987 Sat, 21 Jun 2014 14:24:25 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-412987 Kerry,
it’s hard for me to express my feelings. Let me share our story.
My wife and I used every medical help that is legally allowed in our country to have a baby. We got pregnant, but then we lost the baby.
All this happened over more than two years, and I got deeply depressed. I’m still recovering, and I admire my wife, she seems to have found a good way to say goodbye to our dream of having a baby.
I tried to find a way for myself, but I couldn’t say it with photographs, so I did it with letters to my unborn baby.
It will always hurt.
Looking at your project I felt everything again.
I think that your photographs work strongly together.
Thank you for showing this, Kerry.
And thanks to Burn Magazine, too.

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By: bob black https://www.burnmagazine.org/essays/2014/06/kerry-payne-stailey-the-children-i-never-had/#comment-412627 Sat, 21 Jun 2014 00:23:02 +0000 http://www.burnmagazine.org/?p=23080#comment-412627 Kerry :)

indeed, dear, indeed…..!

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